Understanding BPD from the Inside: Insights from Personal Experience

The question What does BPD look like from someone who has it? is impossible to answer in a singular, definitively concrete manner. Two of my close friends have/have had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and their experiences, while not unique, provide valuable insights into the disorder.

Liz: A More Obvious Case

One of my close friends, Liz, showed multiple distinct signs of BPD which were visible to the naked eye. She struggled with substance abuse, often engaging in both drug and alcohol use. She was frequently in debt, a state that culminated in some days where she looked worse for wear from the depths of her depression. Her relationship with men was tumultuous, and her relationships with others were marked by their volatility. She would fire and rehire individuals into her life, showing a pattern of abandonment and terror at the thought of it. Liz#39;s emotions were often on a roller coaster; she self-harmed, using cutting series and burns on her arms, legs, and back, all of which required medical attention. She attempted suicide a few times and said she found these experiences traumatic.

Liz was known for her dramatic and impulsive behavior, sometimes to the point of being reckless. Her anger was volatile and explosive, but she could surprise me with her sweetness and compassion. If I was going through a rough time and needed a cuddle, Liz was always there. She took care of me when I needed it most, which is why I never got over the day she thanked me for being a good friend and then said goodbye, or the morning I found her dead by suicide.

Another Friend: A More Hidden Case

Another close friend displayed fewer visible signs of BPD. On the outside, she seemed to live a relatively normal life. She held down a job, although it was often inconsistent, took care of herself, and even helped out other family members. No drink, drugs, self-harm, suicide attempts, or wild swings in emotions were apparent to those who didn#39;t know her very well. However, when you looked under the surface, you began to see the real issues.

This friend fantasized about suicide, had compulsive spending habits that led to debt, and had developed a spending addiction on holidays. She was a hoarder and struggled with self-loathing. Emotionally, she was in significant turmoil, but much of this was kept under the surface. She could be passive-aggressive but rarely showed intense anger, although she could be very irritable. She lacked empathy and compassion and was very selfish and entitled, often using people to satisfy her own needs. She had a general negative outlook on life and, in my opinion, was quite toxic.

Despite these serious problems, she had managed to maintain a semblance of control and composure. She was not a showy person and rarely displayed impulsive behavior externally. When the BPD eventually became apparent, it came with significant changes. Her behavior became erratic, with sudden shifts in her appearance. She began to walk around dressed in an over-the-top manner, wearing a Christmas tree look with mismatched clothing and extravagant jewelry, even though she said she hated wearing such things. Her spending increased, and her hoarding habits worsened, causing significant problems for her. Her behavior became completely out of character for her, and it was clear that the BPD was ruining her life.

Conclusion

Ultimately, BPD can present itself in a variety of ways, both visibly and invisibly. Some individuals may display obvious signs such as self-harm, substance abuse, or impulsive behavior, while others may present with more subtle internal struggles. Understanding the different facets of BPD is crucial for providing support to those who suffer from it and for increasing awareness of the disorder.

The lived experiences of those who have or have had BPD paint a picture of a complex and often challenging condition. Liz and my other friend both demonstrated different aspects of BPD, highlighting the diverse range of symptoms and experiences. Their journeys serve as powerful reminders of the importance of empathy and understanding in supporting individuals with BPD.

Keywords

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Emotional Instability