The Psychology of Attraction: Why We Are Drawn to Negative People and How to Change

It's not uncommon to find yourself surrounded by what seems to be a group of negative people who want to see you fail. Alternatively, you might be more drawn to individuals who are genuinely nice. Why does it feel as though the former is more prevalent? This article explores the underlying psychology of attraction, particularly focusing on why we tend to be drawn to certain types of people and how we can change this pattern.

The Role of Early Conditioning in Our Choices

Psychologists often point to our early conditioning and attachment styles as key factors in determining who we attract and how we form relationships. According to psychologist John Bowlby, our attachment style is formed in infancy and can significantly impact our relationship patterns throughout life. Securely attached individuals, those who form positive and stable relationships with caregivers, tend to seek similar patterns in their adult relationships. This means they are more likely to attract and form healthy, positive connections with others.

Pleasant Connected Relationships

In the best-case scenario, individuals with a secure attachment style form pleasant and connected relationships. These can be romantic or social, and they provide a mutually supportive environment that allows for personal growth and shared experiences. Both parties benefit from these ongoing adventures, even when challenges arise.

Challenges from Insecure Attachment

However, if early conditioning was less positive, leading to insecure attachment styles, individuals may find themselves in difficult and unsatisfying relationships. These insecure styles, whether anxious or avoidant, often result from unpredictable or inconsistent parenting. People with these attachment styles are continually reminded of their early conditioning through their current relationships, often behaving in ways that recreate these patterns. This can be unhealthy and lead to repeated dissatisfaction in life.

Why Negative People Seem to Attract Us

Evidence suggests that negative people can seem more attractive to those who have grown up with insecure attachments. This is because these individuals might seek out others who mirror their early experiences, either by causing distress (as a form of reenactment) or by providing a sense of predictability (for anxious types). In this way, the dynamics of these relationships can be seen as a form of psychological drama, where the negative behavior keeps the pattern of connection alive.

Embracing Life Fully

Now, throw into this dynamic the words of a wise, albeit perhaps unconventional, guide who encourages us to 'Live, express, be alive, and be noticed.' This is not just a call to action for those who are still young, but a reminder for all of us to live our lives fully, even in the face of potential negative reactions. The idea is simple: you matter, and you have a finite amount of time to live this life. How you choose to spend your time is up to you. You don't need to wait for tomorrow, you don't need to save 'you' for the next life—which many find dubious.

The story of the speaker taking their little brother out to break him of his fear of life is a metaphor for this call to action. They engaged with people on the street, even those who were too busy to notice, and tried to spread positivity and faith through their actions. They faced challenges, such as a cold wind that hurt, but the experience was a reminder that life is about energy, about engaging fully.

Change Your Life, Change Your Energy

To change the pattern of being drawn to negative people, it's often about shifting your energy and mindset. Start by recognizing your own attachment style and understanding where it comes from. Once you acknowledge this, you can begin to form more positive and fulfilling relationships. This may involve seeking support from friends, family, or professionals, and actively encouraging others to see you for who you truly are, not just for the reactions you elicit.

Remember, life is about the energy put into it. If you engage fully, you will live fully. You may lose teeth, but you will never know the taste of death. You will touch lives and be known. Embrace this energy and make the most of every moment.

Key Points

Our attachment styles, formed in infancy, significantly influence our adult relationships. Securely attached individuals tend to form positive, stable relationships. Insecure attachment styles can lead to repeated unsatisfying relationships, recreating early pattern dynamics. Engaging fully with life can lead to fulfilling and meaningful connections.